I am getting fat.
Or maybe I should say, fatter.
This “stay home, stay safe” missive may be keeping me protected from COVID-19, but I am packing on the pounds.
I have gained so much weight and feel so heavy, I feel ready to drop anchor.
Seriously, folks. For the first time in my life, my stomach is entering the room before the rest of me catches up with it.
I guess it was to be expected. I am kind of lazy, live alone and I have been self-quarantined since the beginning of March. All I do is eat, read, Zoom with family and watch TV.
And with the exception of an occasional trip to the supermarket, eat and eat.
I even tried to follow the chefs on Food Network, but ground beef, salt, pepper and garlic doesn’t quite whip the creative juices into a frenzy like steak, wine and 100 exotic spices.
But what else can you do when you’re on lockdown except eat? Rearrange the furniture? Well, yes, but I already did that.
You can’t go outside to walk off the pounds because there are humans out there and some don’t respect the rules. And I am not one to turn on a workout channel and huff and puff along.
And though I have long known it, I now really understand what Bruce meant when he sang “57 channels and nothing on.” I’m even counting the number of commercials between shows.
But it’s not as if I am not keeping busy.
I have passed mask-making 101, washed my hands into a rough, alien texture that needs constant moisturizing and my search for salvation finally turned up a 2-ounce bottle of sanitizer.
And to add insult to injury, my stimulus check went to the wrong bank so not only am I confined to my house, I am broke.
The IRS website states the check was “scheduled” to be mailed on April 27. I am still waiting — and if it doesn’t get here soon, I might turn into Wimpie and tell people that “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
OK, I am being melodramatic, but these are melodramatic times and I know a lot of you are feeling the same way.
But eating isn’t my only problem as I shelter in place.
I need a haircut. Badly. And the DIY I did with the clippers only looks good from afar.
One of the things I promised myself as I grow older was that I will never look like Shaft at 60 with a salt and pepper Afro. I never want to deal with another afro pick stabbing me in the head, no matter how beautiful it looks when combed out.
But as a man who gets a haircut on average every two weeks, it has been weeks since I last sat in a barber’s chair.
But it wasn’t Shaft that stared back at me in the mirror as I was about to shave but an image much scarier: Don King. The only thing missing was the false Chiclet smile.
May 20 can’t come fast enough so I can get out and around and do things.
I’ve even started talking to myself (he’s lying, he talks to himself all the time) and worse, I am beginning to answer myself (he’s still lying, he answers himself all the time).
As you can tell readers, I really am going stir crazy — and if you haven’t figured it out yet, I am also bored so I have tried to make light of a stressful time.
Sometimes you have to laugh because the alternative is grim and for many people, very painful. COVID-19 has taken away many loved ones — directly and indirectly — including for me, a childhood friend named Garry Bennett.
All around us is sadness — and in some cases, madness.
We are worried about the future because we are unsure what is going to change. But it is the past that brought us to the present — and it is in that past we will find the answers to move forward.
COVID-19 isn’t over but the world is still here and so are we.
I just know when all this is behind us, the first thing I am going to need is a hug.
Meanwhile, if only I can stay away from my refrigerator door so someone can get their arms around me.
Humor? Dark days need light moments.
James Walker is the host of the podcast, Real talk, Real people. Listen at https://ift.tt/32jX7jc. He can be reached at 203-605-1859 or at realtalkrealpeoplect@gmail.com. @thelieonroars on Twitter
"light" - Google News
May 10, 2020 at 07:00PM
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James Walker: Humor? Dark days need light moments - CT Insider
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